So I'm here in life. I am at a place of contentment, confusion, a lot of contemplation, long-suffering impatience and the like. This entire semester has really been one heck of a roller coaster for me. Honestly...how much can a girl take??? While I'm still reeling from an entire semester abroad in the Middle East and amazed that I came back home safely before that dear place blew up like an unexpected time bomb , I was sent for a psychological semester of refinding myself in this nation, this school, and this body of mine. Who am I? Who am I now? Who will I be? Those three questions sent me tossing and turning all Spring semester. It's true. I came back from Jordan in "moratorium". I had fulfilled my dream: all I wanted was to see the place with my own eyes and one day write about it. But I didn't even know if I wanted to write about it. I didn't know what I wanted to do... Without a dream, I'm like a car driving without a destination. I was lost and suddenly felt very small, alone, and very apathetic in a very big world. My being an International Studies major, a musician, a writer, and many other things on top of these really did not help my situation either. I was stuck and I felt like nothing could be worse.
Unfortunately, the fact was it could get worse. And it did. My body, literally, stopped functioning well. My brain lost all track of time. I was forgetting everything: eating, sleeping, due dates, meetings, etc. And the worst part of it was that I didn't really care. I was hitting depression and finding myself frustrated about everything in my life. I'm currently a Resident Assistant. My job was on the line because even though I was a good RA, I wasn't being a good "me". I finally reached my breaking point after I had visited the counselor about my problems. I was sitting on my chair in my room and listened quietly to worship music. I was taken at how accurate Pandora is for every situation I am going through. I eventually stared at the ceiling as I always do and said out loud, "God, what's wrong with me? Why can't I seem to get this right?" I rested my head back and closed my eyes. As I listened to the softly playing worship music, my heart began to hear the familiar voice of my dearest Friend from my youth. "You know what your problem is?"
"What's my problem, God?" I love to hear His voice. He often sounds so playful and nonchalant when He talks to me.
"Your problem is your thoughts! That's your problem! I mean, really? Do you ever hear Me complaining about 'Oh...I'm going through this...' and 'Oh...I'm going through that...' and 'Oh...its just so hard to be happy today! If only I had this...'?"
I smiled and could guess what He was leading on to. "Um, no, God. I don't really ever hear You complaining at all."
"Hmm. Interesting. Do you know why?"
"No. Why?"
"Cuz I'm too busy thinking about you and how to make you happy, silly!"
I paused when He said that. What? He doesn't complain because He's too busy thinking about me? "I mean," He continued, "If I thought only about Myself and My problems (oh and I could go on and on about all of MY PROBLEMS), and you only thought about yourself and all of your problems...don't you think this relationship would be kind of lonely?" I never really thought of it that way, but He did have a point.
"I mean, really, Brittany. Let's think about it. Did you ever wonder why I made marriage the way I made it? Like with the whole controversial submit and love each other commandments and all? I did that so that people wouldn't be lonely anymore! Like really! In a truly wonderful relationship, the husband's body is not his own and the wife's body is not her own. They belong to each other. So the wife belongs to the husband and the husband belongs to the wife, and the two will become ONE! That's all I want with you. So I'm doing my part and giving you all of Myself. My only concern is your well-being. You keep complaining that you're not happy. That's because you don't really know what'll make you happy.
I know what will make you happy, and I want to do everything in my power to make you happy...but YOU'VE GOTTA TRUST ME!!!" I let His words wash over me like the waves of the sea. They were so tender and loving. So warm, so pure. And yet so sandy. I could feel Him working on my heart, making it smoother and softer, and more receptive to what He was saying.
"The only thing is," His voice went quiet, "I'm kind of lonely too. Very lonely actually. This relationship would run a lot smoother if you thought about Me more often. You know? Like, I know it's a little difficult for you to just stop your business, drop everything and think only of Me for the rest of time, but just a little time is all I'm asking. And who knows? Down the road, you'll get so good at thinking about Me that it will all be effortless. You'll be thinking about Me all day long and you didn't know it. I love you
so much, Brittany. No, actually I'm
in love with you. I'm so in love with you, it's impossible for Me to fall out of love with you. I've got only your best interests at heart, but in order to make all your dreams come true, I'm gonna need you to work with Me. I need you to make Me your dream and follow me wherever I lead you. We two are a dance team. I'm the leader, and you're my partner. I'll guide you and you'll swing with the commands I make with my hands. Together we'll wow to the world. But what I need you to do is submit. Trust me..."
The voice on the other end of the line got quiet, and I just sat there...speechless. From that point on, God has seriously been moving and working in my life. He has been revealing to me little snippets of what will make me happy and what won't. He's shown me and is still showing me how to fall in love with myself again and to follow my passions once more. Because of this whole situation, I have had to make some very big decisions, like resigning from my job as an RA and allowing more time for myself. I've been taking more time to think about Him too, and I feel 10 times happier because of it.
I'm now somewhat excited for my future. I'm preparing for an intense summer with God. I've accepted the offer from CCO to join them and our school's staff worker, Greg Sovereign, in a huge project called Ocean City Beach Project. Here I'll be immersed in the Word, while working among full-time in a worldly atmosphere. I'll learn essential leadership skills needed for campus ministry when I get back, and most of all, a firmer foundation on the relationship God and I had built years ago.
I'll be posting my thoughts and little pieces of "stardust" throughout the summer here. So please enjoy.
I think I've made one small move in the right direction. I feel like this is a good place to put a marker in my life and cherish it for all time.