Reflections and Refractions: Part 1: Satisfaction

So I'm done with the project.  Sounds like a sudden "THE END" after a long period of silence and then an abrupt stop.  But as I lay on my bed listening to the chorus of crickets, the lonesome meow of my cat, and the chatter of family below, I honestly can't help but think to myself, No, this is only the beginning.

My period between leaving the project and today has been pretty dull and quiet to say the least.  There haven't nearly been as many people I have been able to talk to here, which is fine, because the environment is prime for reflection and processing, but it also takes a little bit of adjustment. (Not that that should be hard for me...smh).

Here's what I have to say about my reflections this far: (1) I am never satisfied. (2) I do best in community. (3) My mind has been greatly opened to the error of my ways and I am learning from them. (4) I am now bittersweet. And (5) there must be a way I can "do thou likewise".  To explain everything will take about 5 posts, but I've got time!  Three weeks or so to be exact so, I pray you'll bear with me.

1.) Brittany is never satisfied.  I have discovered that no matter where I go or what I do, I am somehow unfulfilled.  I have realized that I can go across the world and back, see the wonders of the world and stand on top of mountains, be alone or live with people who love you back, or spend my life in a place of luxury. Yet, in spite of everything, even if I search the entire world, I will not find the desires of my heart until my heart embodies what I desire.

I had a long talk with my parents about the challenges of the project and my life for the past year in general.  I 'fessed up to to them that my biggest struggle this past year is that I always feel lonely and then when someone reaches out, I opt to be a loner.  My parents, confused and concerned, were fully attentive as I told them about what OCBP taught me about myself and how this behavior was rooted in the fact that I had been running away from pain and potentially painful things since I've been a little girl. Some examples of such things I've been running away from is:

1. My lack of competition and avoidance of such things as games, competitive sports, and leading debates (in my major, I listen to them.  Not engage in them.)
2. I avoid confrontation at all costs.  
3. I avoid things such as hot, sunny beaches that could potentially burn my feet and cause peeling and blisters on my skin ( not to mention the salt water that will ruin my hair!)
4. My first decisions when I face a problem are to escape to my piano or sleep...or just space out. 
5. I also avoid very deep and meaningful relationships as a precaution to getting hurt in the future by someone I love or as a precaution to me hurting that person I love and care for...
• This leads to two very unfortunate things: 
1. Relationships with some people could be closer but they are not because I have kept this invisible but very tangible wall up between us. 
2. Not trusting everyone I am around (especially myself), and internally running from them at the first sign of danger. 

So you see where this leads?  It leads to unhappiness and dissatisfaction in everything I do, because I have been too afraid to take risks and see how things turn out.  It also has led to me estranging myself from God.  Katie Black, my discipler, pointed something out to me about myself that cut me to the core of my soul. She said, "Brittany, I notice that you know that God loves you unconditionally.  But do you love yourself unconditionally?" When I could not answer, she proposed, "Maybe you believe that God loves you for who you are, but you don't.  Maybe you love yourself under conditions, when you've done good.  But then, when you mess up, you kill yourself over it.  You punish yourself more than what is required to pay the debt of your sin, when Jesus already did that for you."

And there it is.  For the past, 18-odd years, I've driven myself as a slave.  Whipped myself.  Slain myself.  Internally cut myself to punish myself for all the wrongdoing and the potential harm I could do to my fellow loved ones.  Knowing that I was sinful, that I could potentially become a "rampant monster" to those I love, I kept myself "in line", most of my childhood.  I played the "good girl", was the most obedient, got great grades (ie: nothing lower than a B), tried to make my parents proud, tried to be a star-person and avoid messing up at all costs.

Last semester, (you can even read my blog post titled "Empty" to see for yourself), I was threadbare and worn out.  I no longer wanted accolades.  I no longer wanted awards. I just wanted to feel loved and accepted for being myself.  I knew I was, but I didn't feel that way.  Even at OCBP, I wanted to feel part of the community, but, to be honest, there were many times when I didn't feel that I was, and it wasn't anyone's fault but my own.  I felt alone and like a loner many times because I had managed to lock myself into a tall tower guarded by my own dragon, that no one but Jesus could slay.

And so, with Brittany as the slave driver, Brittany will never be satisfied.  I know this person very well.  I can count a few times when this person has come out in the open.  One of which, she nearly killed her dog because she was so frustrated with him.  This is the person, I meet with daily and she has had me cowering in a corner of my heart, shaking visibly for fear that I will displease her.  Not wanting her to be seen in the open, I have managed to make her take her wrath out on me. Not on others.  But here I am, broken, afraid, and alone.

Sitting in the car today, I heard God talk to me with a very gentle question.  "How will you find what you want on the outside, if you have never exposed yourself or even imagined what it would look like on the inside?"  In this case, it was community for me.  I had lived nearly all my life feeling like I was always on the outside or never really fully a part of a group.  Even my with my family.  But fear does that to us.  It starves us of our imaginations and acknowledging our desires.  I'm the person C.S. Lewis was talking about in his book, The Weight of Glory, "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea."


And there you have it...  God continued to speak to me to day.  "Brittany, how can you have and live in community if you never ask me to be a part of it with you? If you can't realize that communities are not about the individual but the whole?  If you haven't realized that everything you desire, you have, and I have given it to you, but you have never received my gift..."  

And so as of late, today, I've been quiet and asking myself, "How can I be satisfied?  How can I learn to love myself again and not brutally torture myself when I mess up? How can I allow God to heal me of the wounds I've cut into my own soul, when I know that the person who has hurt me so deeply is alive and well?  If I kill her, wouldn't I be unwhole?  Incomplete?  Dead?"


To this, God's quiet answers are two-fold: "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me" (Matthew 16:24), and "come to me all who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28).  I know that by myself, I cannot carry my cross ( this sinful nature that I hold), but by God's Grace, He gives me the ability to come to Him and freely choose to deny myself, bring my problems before Him, sit at His feet and allow Him to take over my heart, so that one day, if I mess up again, it will no longer be my wrathful face before me, but God's gracious look of patience, forgiveness, and joy that will push me forward toward the prize.  That is: AN ETERNITY WHEN ME AND EVERYONE ELSE WILL BE FIXED AND TOGETHER AND...SATISFIED!!!!

OCBP on Film!!!

Alright y'all.  You've seen my movements in print, but how would you really like to see OCBP in motion???

I've got a few videos I'd like to share with you.  You know, a few moments I really wouldn't like to pass up.

So here we go!

The first one is an awesome moment, I'm sorry I missed.  The crew here decided to go onto the boardwalk and start a flashfreeze, (like a flash mob, but everyone freezes), all thanks to our wonderful, Kenny!  (Btw, the guy videotaping this is totally lying when he says that he doesn't know what's going on.  John Gourley most certainly knows what's going on. lol.)

Another great moment we had was before house worship one Monday, when Leah Tatman organized a few of us (Joanne Mollo and Me) to mime to "Moving Forward", a great worship song by Israel.  Never thought I could do miming before, but Leah said I did great!  I'd actually love to do it again sometime.

And lastly, our overview of our lives thus far in Ocean City!  Thanks for all your love and support! I've learned soo very much here!  Hope you guys love this one too! :)

OCBP Update!!!

At the request of a close friend of mine, I am posting my most recent support letter on my blog.  She thought that what I wrote in it, everyone should hear.  To my readers, thanks so much for just taking some of your time to read some of what God has been doing in my life.  You've all been so encouraging to me! :)
-------------

Hello Everyone!

Can I first start off by saying that Jesus is so ALIVE this summer?  So much has happened during this first half of the beach  project, I can barely get it all in my mind. For those of you who have not known what I've been doing this summer, I have been living for about 5 weeks now in Ocean City, NJ, where I have been living among a community of fellow student leaders and learning how to become a more effective leader on campus.   I have seen miracle after miracle manifest before my eyes!  Miracles like watching Jesus restore our brokenness through the overflowing love he has placed in our hearts, renew our relationships with each other and friends and family outside of the project, as well as mold us and shape us into stronger leaders each and every day.  I had a particular miracle happen to me where my wallet was stolen in Atlantic City.  Not only did God provide over $100 for the week through the donations of a few generous students here at the project, but he also provided another $100 in one day through one job and another job I was recently hired at. The total amount of money I was given was more money than I had received since I’ve been here in Ocean City.

As I had mentioned before, the strongest emphasis here at the Beach Project is on the aspect of community.  Our goal is to experience what the first century church experienced as they encountered Christ daily.  I was telling one of my closest friends here at the project that I had never felt so at home before.  Most places I go, I feel like I am a foreigner, and for one that has been abroad several times, feeling like a foreigner is very familiar to me.  And yet here, everyone has embraced me with open arms, and best of all, we each are learning how to celebrate our differences.  This is very touching to me especially, because most places I’ve been the situation is usually “Our way or the highway…” But here, every person has intentionally put the effort into seeing each person for who they are and embracing all aspects about them—both terrific and terrible.

As I continue to discover more and more about the characteristics of our Lord, Jesus, I am also gaining a deeper understanding of this “gospel” we preach every Sunday. The most important thing I have learned (and also the most highlighting lesson of the summer) is that I am “more sinful and broken than I would dare to admit, but I am more loved and cherished than I could dare to imagine”.  This statement has forever changed my life and my view of the gospel.  I now see that this gospel, this precious gift that we have been given to give away, is something I must not only preach to the world, but I must preach to myself…daily.   Jesus has saved me from myself, and now I live to bring Him praise.

Thank you again for all your love and support!  Thus far, you have helped me to raise over 60% of the cost to be here.  If you would like to continue supporting me or have not supported me, there are several ways you can do so:
1.       Give: You can go online to http://secured.ccojubillee.org and select under “Special Mission Initiative” the phrase “OCBP Donations”.  From there type in the amount you would like to donate, click next, and fill out the credit card form.  (Under “Comments” write, ”For Brittany Witcher”)
You can also mail a check to: OCBP, 5912 Penn Avenue, Pittsburgh, PA 15206 Please make all checks payable to “Ocean City Beach Project” and in the memo line write “Brittany Witcher”.

2.       Read and Visit: Get weekly updates from me about what’s going on in the project through my blog at www.stardustontheroad.blogspot.com or friend me on facebook at www.facebook.com/lightbeamer to get daily updates.
If you want to witness for yourself what is truly going on here at the “Ark”  then come visit me at 632 Wesley Ave., Ocean City, NJ 08226.  There are guests constantly at the beach stopping by the house to see God at work.  If you want to come down, give me a ring and I’ll let the group know you’re coming.  We’d love to have you anytime!

3.       Pray: As always, keep praying for us.  Your prayers have been seriously at work here.  Everyday, I’m seeing our praise board grow more than our prayer board, which means that our prayers are getting answered!  Your prayers mean more to me than you know, and more to God than either of us will know.

Again, please consider jumping onto what God is doing here at the beach and watch not only our lives but your lives be transformed through our ever growing faith and dependence on Christ. Thanks again and have a great summer!

Yours,

Brittany Witcher
--

God to the Rescue

So I'm not gonna lie.  This week was rough.  From missing work this Saturday and surviving on practically nothing, to my computer no longer turning on, to my wallet getting stolen in Atlantic City...I have definitely been tested this week.  It's been very humbling and several times this week, my buried emotions have gone raw.  But at the same time, I have felt God holding me more than ever before.  My very close friend, Kynesa, came up to visit me for the weekend and I was so very happy to see her.  Even though I have been feeling like I'm living on the edge of poverty, I have seen God's promises at work in my life.  He's definitely been living up to His promise in Psalm 37:25: "I have been young and now I am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread." I have not been forsaken.  The community here has been wonderful and providing a lot of my needs.  I am not "begging bread".  Even though a lot of my funds are more tight than usual, I am not starving.  God's provided for me in miraculous ways, ways that I still can't help but marvel at.

More than anything however, I am most amazed at how God's helping me respond to my situations this week.  When I missed work on Saturday, I thought I lost my job for good. I called up my boss and apologized.  She not only forgave me, but she also told me that I could continue to work with her.  When my computer, what I've considered in the past as my main source of survival, stopped working, I not only was able to keep a cool head, but I was able to go to get excellent help and service at the Apple store and get it fixed for about $300.  While I was in Atlantic City however, my wallet was stolen.  I not only was able to check my bank accounts and see that my money was not taken, but I was able to close my accounts and keep a security watch out for the people who have my wallet.  Best of all, my first response to this entire situation (besides saying, "Oh, dread...") was, "Well, Lord, bless'em..."

He showed me that, unconsciously, I'm fulfilling God's Word, and the only effort I had to put forth was to stop, pray, and wait.  He was showing me that to be successful in His kingdom, the best thing we could possibly do is get out of the way, and let Him rescue us.  I prayed for the person who stole my wallet and could not think any bad thoughts of resentment or unforgiveness toward them.  God gave me clear thinking and showed me that everything in my wallet can be replaced.  I cannot be replaced. Throughout the entire situation, I was safe, and no hurt, or harm came to me.  My money in my bank accounts wasn't touched, and I wasn't overdrawn in any way. The only thing of true value to me was my driver's license and other IDs, but even those can be replaced.

When I came back to the Ark yesterday, I felt at peace with my stolen wallet, but I was still questioning why I had trouble with providing the basics for myself.  Later that night in my Gospel-Centered Life group as I poured out my heart to the group and told them about how I struggled with dealing with failure when I typically am a successful person, God gave me a new type of peace, one that showed me that He's got me right where He wants me: poor in spirit so I can gain the Kingdom of Heaven (Matthew 5:3).

I have found encouragement and solace in Psalm 25 and have been meditating on it for the past few days.  Because of this, I have come to see that God is my superhero, and He is always rescuing me from my troubles.

Hiatus: Seeing Injustice, Embracing Mercy

This normally does not happen, but the staff allowed me to attend the book signing of one of the leading Middle Eastern analysts in the nation after I received an invitation from him, which is a huge honor for any person to receive. So I am currently here, typing in McDonald's at 30th Street Station in Philly.  Being back in Philly is amazingly wonderful for me. Here, I'm surrounded by most things familiar: the people, the business, even the station itself.  Additionally, I hold a greater appreciation for this place because I have just stay awake all night long trying to travel to Philly.

The trip required that I travel by bus from Ocean City to Atlantic City and then from Atlantic City to Egg Harbor.  From there, it was a straight train ride right into the station.  In between stops, I had a one hour layover for each one.  While I am exhausted, I must say that this uneventful ride was covered with God all over it.

Getting from OC to AC was no problem.  I lost my Harry Potter virginity and cruised straight through listening to the first book.  I was so into the story, I nearly missed my stop.  But the bus driver was nice enough to tell me where I needed to get off.  I then waited in AC's bus terminal from 2:45 to 3:45, which believe me, is not fun.  Everyone in there, it seemed, was coming back from some shady activity.  Most were drunk and were trying to sleep off the alcohol.  A few other characters were just plain creepy.  I stuffed my face into the book, Many Colors, which we are reading right now for OCBP, and focused on culture and God.

Eventually, I got on the bus that was going to take me to the train station in Egg Harbor.  As we were about to leave however, the bus driver stopped the bus for an elderly man who could not walk fast enough to catch the bus on time.  He shuffled over to the bus as the traffic controller ran over with him wildly waving her flashing red night stick.  Even though the driver had lowered the bus to almost ground level for the man, he was so weak, he could barely lift his leg onto the first step.  "Miss, can you help me please?" he pleaded with the controller.  "I can't get my leg up.  Can you help me lift it?" She was hesitant, but eventually helped him on.  As he struggled up the steps of the bus, I noticed three immediate things about the man: 1.) he was black, 2.) he was highly educated because of his manner of speech, and 3.) he had recently been hospitalized because a blue and white plastic band was around his wrist.

A sudden rush of emotion came over me as I watched him struggle to pay the bus driver.  Since I was sitting right behind the driver, I hurried out of my seat and sat in the one behind the first one.  The man looked at me with so much gratitude in his eyes, "Thank you, miss.  Thank you very much." I could barely say "Your welcome." I just nodded and smiled at him.  He then collapsed into the chair and passed out in front of me.  He reeked not of alcohol, but of urine.  He was unkempt and very dirty.  Most of all, he seemed totally helpless.  He reminded me of my own grandfather who recently died at 67 of malnutrition in a nursing home.  I've learned to become more sensitive to the elderly, especially because I've realized that we don't have them forever as we'd like to hope.

I couldn't help but silently cry as I rode down to Egg Harbor; every whiff of the man's urine-stained clothes making the moment more and more intense for me.  A thousand questions and rants filled my mind.  Injustice was sitting right in front of me and it smelled like urine, because no one could provide for this man enough care to make sure he had his daily needs.  Injustice looked like dirty and unshaven.  It looked like helpless and alone.  It looked like sick and ashamed. It looked like poverty and minority. Injustice looked like pitiful gratitude for even the smallest gesture.

And I ached because I knew that this fate could be the fate of anyone, including myself.  Not necessarily because this man had done something to get him into this state, but mostly because no one cared.  This morning, I both loved and hated the darkness on the bus.  While the darkness hid my tears, it also hid the man.  Only I, who sat behind him, could really see his wrinkled blue Phillies hat and small head bounce along as the bus sped down the road.

I got off the bus safely at Egg Harbor and made it onto the train.  The ticket ended up costing me $9.50.  I had paid ahead so I wouldn't get a surcharge on the train.  When the conductor came to me, he looked down at my bulging backpack and Arcadia sweatpants.  "Are you going to school?" he asked.  "Yes. I go to school," I replied.   The man took my ticket and told me that he would be right back.  A few minutes later, he came back with a map of the train route.  "Here you go," he said quickly and sped his way down the train.

I opened the map and saw my ticket in between the folds.  By this point, I was too exhausted to really understand anything else anymore. I shook my head, listened to chapter 5 of Harry Potter and fell asleep.  I awoke about 30 minutes later to the sound of "Cherry Hill station next stop".  My stop at 30th would be next.  As I rubbed my eyes and tried to make sense of my life, the conductor showed up again.  He whispered to me, "I gave you back your ticket because this economy is crazy.  It's not fair for students like you who just need to get to school and back to pay this much.  You looked familiar and so I didn't want to charge you.  Next time you're on this line, just look for me.  K?" I nodded my head, a bit puzzled but most definitely grateful.

Suddenly, I thought of the man who sat in front of me on the bus to Egg Harbor.  I gave up my seat for him and prayed God would help him, because it was the least that I could do for him.  And then, in less than 2 hours, God showed me the same mercy by sending this kind conductor who had compassion on college kids who did not get student discounts for transportation between school and home.  I smiled, and prayed blessings on this man too.  The verse from Micah 6:8 became more real to me than ever before, "What more does the Lord ask of you than to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God?" 

Many Colors

You know, I've always struggled with the issue of race and identity.  Throughout my life, I've constantly been stuck in the middle between the white world and the black world.  White lifestyle, black family.  White friends, black best friends.  White education, black entertainment.  The worst is when it comes to church.  I love the white churches for their indepth teaching, but I have a deep connection that transcends time with black worship and expression.  And in the middle of my search for identity, I find myself stuck.  Almost not fitting in.  Anywhere.

Today, Roger Woodworth, a pastor from Pittsburgh, came to the Project to talk about this issue.  He challenged us to settle our differences, embrace them, and be intentional about including all races, backgrounds, and walks of life into the church and our fellowships.  Jesus was not exclusive.  Neither should we be.  A lot of this stuck with me for the rest of the night as I sat with Vladmir, our Russian next door neighbor.  He's a really cool guy that is fascinated with everything about our culture.  He especially is fascinated with me because he rarely gets to interact with black people here in America.  A few weeks ago, I begged him to tell me more about his culture because (as an International Studies major) I'm a world culture junkie.  So he promised that he would tell me more about his if I showed him more of black culture.  He was particularly fascinated with step, because he was just at an event where kids from Camden, NJ were stepping at a church event.

So I spent time explaining to Vlad the history of step culture in America.  This led to questions about why the crime rates and the death rates were much higher among blacks than they were among whites.  From there, I was able to tell Vlad the history of my people.  In a greater sense, this has given me a greater appreciation for my culture and my past, because a lot of my confusion about my identity came from me not remembering the past of blacks in general, particularly around the civil rights time.

He eventually popped the question of why I was different from most black women and why I talked different and why I acted different.  I was able to give my father's testimony on how my dad was one of the very slim 1-2% that actually left Camden, made something of his life, and did not let the system dictate to him his future.  Because of his decision to sacrifice his status quo and be all that he could be, I and all my siblings are reaping the benefits of his decision.

My life story is a picture of the biggest lesson God has been teaching me throughout my life.  Grace.  There was nothing I did, nothing I said, nothing I accomplished that made my situation and upbringing in life any better than anyone else's.  I was born like every other child: in pain, blood, sweat, tears, and nakedness, and yet, because of a guy that I did not know years before I entered this world, I was given more food, shelter, clothing, education, leisure, and love than most children in this world. What else have I to say for this?  I did not earn any bit of my upbringing.  But as a sinful child, I definitely believed that as a child, I was entitled to this upbringing.  I was privileged enough to know that my daddy loves me and would walk barefoot from Alabama and back to show how much he loves me, despite whatever I do.

With a testimony like this-with the knowledge that I have been born into undeserving grace because of one man's decision to live not for himself, but for his posterity-I can finally understand the hard question of why some are born into riches and why some are born into poverty; why some have good parents and some have bad parents; why some are black, and some are white, and some are Latino, and some are Asian, and some are just a product of the American melting pot (like me).  The reason why is because 1.) God is a creative God and He hates telling the same story twice, and 2.) He tries to fit in everyone's life some personal, tangible, creative way to show them His mercy and His grace, as well as our sinfulness and our brokenness.  From there, after we accept His grace as sufficient for everything we need and are, we are to tell our stories to the world.

Talking to Vlad was a great reminder for me that, like the Israelites, I am not special.  Just a girl who somehow landed in a very undeservingly favorable situation.  However, as that girl who had landed in that undeservingly favorable situation, the mantle rests on me to spread this message of grace.  As grace was shown to my father who was given the opportunity to escape the Camden of his heart and live successfully, who then gave me the grace to grow up in a beautiful and safe home without working for it, so I must extend this grace on to my posterity and the people around me.  To continue to share to people like Vlad and you who are reading this, and to celebrate the diverse and various stories of grace that God creates through people like you and me.

Amazing Adventures with Abby

So about once a week or so, Abby and I hang out.  Abby is Greg and Ashley Sovereign's 6-year-old daughter who's spending the entire summer (along with her brothers Caedmon and Cole) with me here at the beach project.  I have had so many adventures so far with Abby.  I actually look forward to spending a day with her particularly because all of the things we find together are always so amazing and, especially for me, so moving.  I want to share with you two amazing adventures I had so far with Abby.

Amazing Adventure #1: Seashells


About 2 weeks ago, Abby and I decided we were going to have a girl moment and go to the beach to collect seashells.  If you ever come to Ocean City, one thing you will particularly notice about its beach is that it is particularly "shelly", which makes it prime ground for seashell hunters like Abby and I.  We got to the boardwalk and, as I promised her, I first stopped and bought her a pink shovel and pail (as well as a few tools for myself).  We then walked onto the beach and combed it for seashells.  We opted for the wet sand because the shells were fresher and less broken there.  As we walked, however, we found it so hard to find whole shells.  "Abby," I started, "there are no whole shells here."
"That's okay," she said as she bent down and picked up a broken piece.  "Ooo!  This one's pretty!"  She handed me a tiny, grayish piece of a shell.  It had so many grooves and contours, but I couldn't see the beauty immediately in the piece.  She then took it back and turned it over and showed me the shiny side of the shell.  "See! It will make a pretty necklace." I couldn't help but smile.  I guess it will... Only the eyes of a child could see that... I thought to myself, shaking my head.

We combed about 15 feet of the shoreline looking for such shell pieces.  We filled our two buckets with broken shells. About 4 or 5 of all the shells were whole.  Oddly enough they weren't nearly as interesting or pretty as some of the broken ones we found. When we were done searching, we took our shells and washed them off and sorted them.  Big shells in one bucket.  Little shells in the other.  We then took our shells home and washed them off again with the hose.  After that, we took the shells into the house and admired them some more.

As we were admiring the shells, Hope, a Philippina college student here in the project, came over and told us that she could make our shells into jewelry.  Abby eagerly gave her some shells and Hope shaped  the shells and chiseled holes into them.  She then polished them and handed the finished pieces back to me.  I then threaded string into the holes and handed the finished necklaces to some of the students here at the project.

The whole project was so moving to me.  Throughout the entire process God was telling me this: "I like broken pieces over whole pieces.  I like them because I can do more with them.  I can shape them however I want.  I can make them into any piece of jewelry I want.  And even though you cannot see the potential in each broken piece, I do.  And every piece, I guarantee you will be pretty.  You just have to see things like Abby and see the potential in the broken pieces." 


In this, I was able to see myself: broken and unwanted; getting stepped on over and over by people who could care less, burying myself in the sand to hide my pain and keep myself from getting stepped on again, being dug up, scrutinized, thrown in a bucket of water, sorted, washed again, taken home, washed again, chosen, chiseled, shaped, drilled into, polished, threaded with string, and proudly worn across someone's neck.  God showed me that I am his jewelry: perfected through brokenness and love.

Amazing Adventure #2: Waves


Today, I spent another adventurous day with Abby! We spent our day celebrating our accomplishments and learning new things.  This morning, Abby delighted in showing me the "heart part" of the song Heart and Soul. I taught her how to play this about 2 weeks ago as well and she still remembered!  As a proud teacher, I must say, she is a brilliant girl.  We then spent our afternoon with lunch, painting Texas Dave's nails (Texas Dave is a student here at the Ark. He goes by TD most of the time), and finishing up our adventure with a day at the beach!   The sun was blazing hot today, but Abby, who suffered from major sunburn from the day before, insisted we visit the beach.  She had something to show me.

The beach was teeming with people today.  When we got to the beach, I reminded Abby that we only had 15 minutes to spend at the beach because Abby's mom was about to come home soon and I promised that she would be back by 3pm. She understood and we rushed to the water.  The waves were larger than normal today and I was none too eager to get my face wet.  I hate the taste of sea water in my mouth and getting sand out of my hair.  Unfortunately for me, that's all Abby wanted to do.

We worked our way deeper into the frigid water.  Just as the water was around Abby's chest, she turned around and waited for the wave.  When a wave was large enough, she bent down and let the wave take her close to shore.  She jumped out of the water laughing and telling me to do it too.
"But I don't know how to, Abby!"
"It's easy!" she yelled over the waves. "Wait for a big one, jump, and crouch on your hands and knees! Like this!" She repeated the process again and drifted closer to shore this time.

I, party-pooper that I am, was not about to get my head wet.  "But Abby! I'm afraid!" Even though she tried to coax me into it over and over, I wouldn't do it.  Finally she gave up and waited for the next wave.  This time, instead of allowing the wave to push her to shore, she stood tall and fell backward as the wave came toward her.  The rushing wave pushed her up and she bounced forward laughing.  "C'mon, Brittany!  You can do this!" She explained the process of how to do it as the next wave came toward her.  "Like this, Brittany! Just...lean...back!" She fell backwards and then bounced forward.  "See! Now you do it!"

I hesitated.  I've been halfway cross the world and back, been in real dangerous situations, repelled down waterfalls and climbed up mountains, yet I, a 20-year-old could not muster up the courage to lean back and get my head wet with sea water, something a 6-year-old doesn't take a second thought about.  I shook my head and made my mind.  "Ready?" she screamed,"One! Two! Three!"

I leaned back and slowly let myself fall.  Just as I thought I would fall on the ground, a wave crashed into my back and forcefully pushed me forward.  I ran with the wave and saw that even though the back of my hair was wet, I neither tasted sea water, nor got the entirety of my hair wet.  I felt like Abby and I bonded at that moment much more.  She carefree and I faltering, but both of us decided to trust the vast and wide ocean to lift us up as we fell.

This lesson from the ocean particularly spoke to me, especially because all this week, I have been struggling with trusting God to fix me and overcome the sinner in me.  For the past few days, I literally would go through periods of silence because I was afraid that the "monster within" would overcome me and that I, like most people I know, would be a failure and most likely the least in the kingdom of heaven.  After my discipler pointed out yesterday that I understood the concept that God loves unconditionally, but I love myself conditionally (that is, if I do everything right and nothing wrong), I battled the rest of the day with tough criticisms of myself and my actions, my thoughts and my entire life.  As I thought about my sins, I realized that I might as well be doing my sins, because I was both repulsed by and desired to participate in them.

Today, I was not much better, but then I felt like God was screaming at me through the roar of the waves and the laughter of a child, "Fall backwards!" It was as if God was saying, It's okay.  If you fall backwards, I will catch you. If you fall forwards, I will bring you closer to shore.  You cannot fight the waves of the ocean.  You cannot fight me.  Just believe that even though I am big, I will not destroy you.  Have fun. Relax. I'm in control.

OCBP:Week 1 into 2

I am currently sitting on the sofa in the living room downstairs.  The entire house of about 45 people or so are asleep. No one knows I'm downstairs.  As I contemplate the silence and the random outbursts of laughter from my tipsy Russian next door neighbors, I feel like I'm like neck deep into the project.  Now that almost weeks or so have gone by, I can really explain to you what the project's about.  There are many aspects of the project but the most important part is what I would describe as finding God through community.

To be completely honest, I've never been with so many people at one time that I vibed so well with.  Even those that are completely different with me...I can just about say that I've bonded with them.  There are 31 of us, including myself, all crammed together in a big/little (it really depends on perspective) white house (called "the Ark") four blocks away from the ocean.  We are all college students ranging from sophomores to seniors and we all are involved with our Christian fellowships in some way, shape, or form back at school.  We all have our own quirks, hobbies, and interests.  One thing we all have in common however is our love and passion for Christ.  We are all seeking God and the thing that I love the most about this project, is that we are all seeking God humbly.  I will explain more of this later.

In order to"find God through community", we have a specific group of things we do together each week:

1. We serve our outer community (ie: people outside the Ark) through work (through employment  just being salt and light). 
2. We serve the local church through weekly prayer partner meetings, helping in praise and worship, participating in the hymnal choir, and overall being available for many people in the church.
3. We serve each other through our cook/clean groups, late-night conversations, bible studies and support.
4. We serve ourselves through meditating on daily devotions, studying about 5 or 6 hardcore spiritual literature, attending lectures taught by pastors and CCO staff, weekly meetings with our disciplers (mentors) who help to guide us and challenge us to expand our faith in Christ, and participating in our Gospel-Centered Life groups (which I would say are the most intense "check yourself before you wreck yourself" sessions I've ever experienced).
5. We serve God through open worship (we are known in the neighborhood for our music and open profession of faith) and denial of ourselves so we may rely on Him more.  

I have seen God seriously at work here these past few weeks. He not only answered my heart-wrenching prayer to just enjoy many long conversations with someone, but he gave me 30 other people to enjoy them with!  One thing I do not suggest you ever do is to pray for God to humble you if you don't really mean it. With full intention, I have prayed it for the past month, and God's answering that prayer too.  Many of you may have seen my facebook statuses mentioning that I have gotten job offers.  I have gotten over 4 job offers and several other rejections.  Unfortunately, as of now, the jobs are no longer hiring and the offers were more like "We'll keep you on file until further notice".  It seems like no place in Ocean City, NJ is willing to hire; particularly those who can only work Mon-Sat mornings and no other times.

I was able to secure a job on Saturday morning cleaning out condos that vacationers rent out for the week.  It pays $10 an hour for 4 hours, which isn't bad, but it gives me just enough to survive financially for the week.  Talk about relying on God there.  In the meantime, I have been praying and asking God to show me the job He wants me to take.  I know He'll come through, but for me especially, I struggle with not working.  I can really feel God chipping away at my idle called "Work".  Today especially, God has been teaching me that my security lies in Him, not a job.  And so, as I (and the rest of the Ark) wait patiently for me to get a job (the people here are amazing at prayer...they haven't stopped praying for me and encouraging me since I got here), God has been faithful and has been providing way more than just money.  He has been providing true treasures that I can forever store in heaven! 

Today, I had an amazing day with my Gospel-Centered Life group.  We talked about the idea of performing for God and pretending to God.  It's kind of like a continuation of what we learned last week about minimizing God's glory to maximize ourselves.  What we found out today is that as Christians today in our culture, we suffer a lot from an ongoing identity crisis: who are we? We often think that we are either too amazing to really need God or too horrible to be able to receive Him.  But the fact is even though we are broken messes that seem impossible to fix, God still loves us.  He more than loves us.  In fact, I learned today that God is "overjoyed" with us.  Really? "Overjoyed"?

I don't know quite how to take that even as I write this.  However, as I wrestled with this, God gave me a beautiful picture in my head to understand his mindset. A toddler who is learning how to walk.  When he falls, I have never witnessed a parent yelling at him because he fell.  Instead, the parent usually applauds the child or rushes to his side to pick him up, brush him off, kiss his boo-boos and tell him to try again.  This is how God is with me.  Patient and always applauding me when I fall.  Go figure.  Sounds awful and wonderful at the same time, because as God's image, all I want to do is be good and get back up again.  But the fact is, that without God, I am nothing but a kid stuck on the ground.  Really humbling? Right?

What I love about the project so far is that it's like everyone here knows that they're screwed up.  No one's trying to hide anything.  A lot of times (especially today) we just sit around and just cry. But the cool thing is...we're crying together.  When we laugh, we laugh together.  When we play games, we play games together.  When we get sick (as I am right now), we get sick together.  We eat together, sleep together, sing and dance together and work together.  As you see, everything's together.  We have a covenant that's based on Romans 12.  It seems like all of us know each other's business (the good and the bad) but we're okay with that.  We can see passed the trials and see the treasure in each one of us.  Already, I'm getting sad about the end of this project.  I wish it would last forever.  Maybe it can... I know I want my campus, home and entire life to be this way.  Open. Vulnerable.  Humble.  Together. 

Leaving

I am a few minutes from stepping into the van, sitting for two hours staring at two large packets of Biblical information, and arriving at the place where I will both play and pray for the next 60 days or so.  How do I feel right now?  Not like much.  I feel calm, normal, and in between a diva and a bum. (Diva because I just washed and braided my hair last night and took out the braids this morning. My hair looks FABULOUS!!! Bum because it's hot and it's summer and I'm still at home.)  This happens to me every time I'm about to embark on something big.  I feel normal and usually don't realize what's going on until 3/4 of the way into whatever I'm doing.  (Totally happened to me when I studied abroad in Ireland.  It was like 2 weeks before I was about to head back home when I was sitting on the bus and my eyes lighted up.  I almost blurted out to the entire busload of Irish-accented people: "Ohmigosh guys!  I'm totally in Ireland right now!  Isn't this awesome???" Yeah.  It was a good thing I didn't do that.)  I might repeat that episode again.  Hopefully, I'll blurt this out sooner: "I'M IN OCEAN CITY GUYS!"

Well, anyway.  I'll get there when I get there.  Right now, my brain is convinced that living in Ocean City for a summer is nice dream and life here as a bum in my house is reality.  Well, I guess that's how most things go.  They don't become real until you do them.

What will I find this summer?  My mom asked me why I was doing this program.  For everything else in my life (ie: homeschooling, Arcadia, Ireland, Jordan, etc.) my answer has always been, "Because I want to..." Oddly enough, this is the first time ever that I don't have an answer.  Do I want to go? Sure.  But is that the sole reason why I'm doing this? No.  As I soul search and talk to Jesus, I am reminded that there's a reason for everything.  Even the most random occurrences. And as I search my heart, I can hear a little voice whisper to me: "Because you need to...".  Need to what?  That's what I guess I'll find out.  Without a plan or a destination in mind, I'm freefalling into something I don't know, but can sense.  As the musician I am, I know how to follow the notes written on the pages of thin air even though I don't know how it will turn out.  Like a driver cruising country roads at midnight, I can only see 10 feet in front of me and the yellow line on the pavement.  I know how to follow the yellow line.  I have a vague sense of my destination.  But I don't know what it looks like or what the next step is.  I do know how to follow the GPS though and the yellow line on the pavement.  That's what I'm doing now.  I know this sounds crazy, but that's all I can say.

As of right now, however, I am still here, sitting on the couch, staring at a screen on my lap, and listening to the occasional complaints from my mother to "Hurry up!  We've gotta go before it's too late!"

Vacation

I was recently chatting a friend of mine over a dilemma he was facing: how do you face reverse culture shock? He is currently in the UK and seems to have found his place among the people.  Upon coming back to this  "boring" and "close-minded" nation, he has planned to find various vacation spots throughout the US to help with the transition.  I mentioned to him, "You know, the best way to vacation is to look for an adventure, not an escape."
"Ah ha!" he typed back, "You caught me!  That's exactly what I do whenever I go somewhere.  I want to escape."  I stared at the post for a long time. Adventure...not escape? I wasn't expecting that comment to emerge from my fingertips at all.  Guess I caught myself too...

As of late, I've been in deep observation of everything about myself: my lifestyle, my likes and dislikes, how I spend my days, how I spend my thoughts...   I realized that I am stuck in a very habitual pattern, and frankly, it scares me.  Here it is: I work hard to find escape.  Don't you find that interesting? I find myself year in and year out living the yuppie philosophy, "Work hard to play hard."  I find it weird that I complain 4 days of the week for having to work and always look forward to my 3 day weekend.  But then my 3 day weekend comes and goes and I always wonder where it went.

What's even more disturbing is this "vacation" I've had thus far.  I come home to "relax", or so I think.  In reality, I come home to be my alter ego...a lazy bum.  Literally, I completely lose sense of time, consideration, or interest in being active or productive. You'd think that after all the hard work and effort I put forth throughout the semester, I'd find a lot of satisfaction in this new role change.  Well, to be honest...it stinks.  Yeah, I'm dog tired, but acting like I'm tired only makes me more tired.  A week has nearly gone and I'm wondering where it's escaped to.  It's strange, the more I wanted to take a vacation from my busy mind, the more the time has taken a vacation from me.  As a lazy bum, I realize that as I try to escape from life, my life is escaping from me, and there's no way to get it back.

I talked about my passed week, and you may be wondering what happened between my last post and this one.  I was actually on an adventure.  Still on my vacation, but spending it with Jesus and 200 other Christians in the woods of New York.  Intervarsity Chapter Camp at Lake Champion.  Quite the memorable time.  It rained the entire week.  No joke.  7 hours of Bible Study with 9 other college students.  The subject? The second half of the book of Mark.  How was the experience?  Like taking a Brillo pad and scrubbing the dead skin cells off of your soul.  Quite the adventure, right?

While I think I was struck silent more that week more than I had the entire semester, I was glad for the heaviness of the subject matter.  I went to camp with the intention of 1.) finding God and 2.) finding escape.  What I found, however, is that when I found God, He held me so tight, there was no possible way I could escape.  I approached Him and let Him give me what I needed: a good dosing of veggies; an intense cleaning session; and a big hug.  He set me straight on a lot of things; the first one being "all of God and none of me".  When I prayed that prayer the first night, He radically took me on a spiritual adventure I will never forget.  He got me praying such things as "help me to lose myself, and gain You"; "make me like a kid"; and "how do I give away all my stuff?". Oddly enough, while I was very active, I felt more refreshed than I had all semester.

This whole contrast between adventure and escape makes me think about a question that's been burning in my heart for over a year...what does it mean to rest? I mean, that's what most people want to do when they vacation, right? Rest? Last summer, while I was at Chapter Camp studying the first half of Mark, I learned that the scribes, Pharisees, and religious leaders highly emphasized keeping the sabbath.  Firsthand, I know that among Jews, the sabbath is a very important weekly event.  To break the sabbath, particularly among the more religious Jews, is equal to a sin such as theft and murder. However, Jesus would constantly point out that their stance was wrong.  "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath" (Mark 2:27). He later told them something that was even more radical, "So the Son of Man is lord even of the Sabbath" (Mark 2:28).

All semester long, I'd been learning about this concept.  I led a bible study with ACF on the first half of the book of Hebrews.  Hebrews talks a lot about rest.  Particularly sabbath rest.  See, the Israelites wandered around in the desert for 40 years because they didn't trust God.  They wouldn't trust God.  They'd up and decided that He'd cheated them out of their promise that they'd reach a land flowing with milk and honey. And so they never experienced God's rest, even though they  celebrated the sabbath every week, as the law commanded (Hebrews 4:3).  Only two people of that generation trusted God, and they were the only ones of that generation to make it to the promised land. (Interesting side-note: the Israelites were not very far from me...escaping slavery, only to be enslaved in a desert...)

In the chapter before, the author of Hebrews had previously pleaded with us to be the house of God (Hebrews 3:6).  He points out in chapter 4 that to be the house of God is possible primarily because for us Jesus has become our sabbath rest.  It took me a very long time to understand this, but at Chapter Camp this year, I finally got to understand what the author meant.  After I trusted Jesus enough to ask Him to come into my heart, he started to live in me like a person lives in a house.  Jesus, Himself, always understood the idea of vacation. Adventure, not escape.  He displayed this idea particularly when He told his disciples, who had just come back from working hard at casting out demons and spreading the message of the Kingdom of God, to come with Him up in the mountains to get away for a while.  As they were trying to get away, thousands of people started to follow them for hours and the people became hungry.  They had to find food, so Jesus up and provided food for more than 5,000 people.  The disciples had to pass out bread and fish to the people and collect it all, all when they were dead tired.  Even worse yet, after the people left, they all decided to go on a boat ride and wait for Jesus to finish praying.  While they were on the boat, a storm came up and they all thought they were going to die.  All of a sudden, Jesus appears "like a ghost" walking on the water... Peter, amazed, decides to go meet Jesus.  He walks on the water a little but then starts to sink because of his unbelief.  But Jesus, acting as if walking on water were an everyday occurrence, grabs Peter, chastises him for doubting and hops into the boat.  Meanwhile, all the disciples "hearts were hardened" and found it hard to praise God for all the miracles they just saw because their idea of "vacation" was not fulfilled.  Go figure.

How did Jesus manage to remain happy-go-lucky when He of all people had a reason to complain? It was because...(drumroll please)...He made Himself a house, let God dwell in Him, and trusted in God to be the source of His rest.  He understood that when the owner of a house is rested, the house itself is rested. He didn't have to run away from His work, but instead worked under the idea that to have God in the House is to be having an eternal Sabbath.  Like Rachel was to Jacob.  He worked seven years for Laban but it only felt like a few days because of his love for her (Genesis 29:20). And Jesus is the same to us.  He is our bridegroom and when He is in the house, years of working will only feel like a few days because we are so in love.  And of all things: when I think of vacation, the best reason, to me is to be with your lover. Come to think of it, when I'm on vacation with someone I love, I wouldn't necessarily want to escape.  Life is too good for that.  Instead, I'd want to spend eternity and a day with that person, taking on the world one adventure at a time.

Empty

So I am a few minutes away from embarking on my summer.  I am laying on my bare bed with nothing but my computer, myself, my purse and my phone on top of it.  Nothing else is in the room except my piano, which I refuse to pack for fear that my dad lied and I need something else besides my computer to pass the time.  Everything else in this room which faithfully housed me for 4 months is in the hall.  As I type, I can hear my keys clacking louder than before.  The whole building is very quiet.  I might as well just be the only one in here.  And as I write, I can't help but feel like the room...empty. 

There is a certain type of therapy that comes with cleaning.  Cleaning a room forces a person to slowdown and focus on making a room neat again.  It can be a pretty mundane function, so whenever I clean, I often listen to music to occupy my mind.  As of today, I noticed how my Pandora stations shifted from the depressing Rachel Yamagata, to sensual Sean Paul, to a general Dance Pop station that randomly shot out songs ranging from the 80s to now, and lastly Shawn McDonald and all the worship songs that followed his station.  I realized that when I started, I enjoyed the music like I enjoy french fries: filling but not very edifying, convenient but not very delicious.  When I switched to dance music, I tried to dance with it, but my heart just wasn't in it.  Finally, I got to the worship music and it was like eating that half a plate of veggies that you think isn't that tasty and is hard to swallow, but is the best thing going for you.  After listening to two hours of it, my mind started to give way to my heart and I began to listen to the songs I myself have sung for years but never really heard.  Songs like "Unashamed Love" which says, "You're calling me to lay aside the worries of my day/ To quiet down my busy mind and find a hiding place...", and "Hosanna" ("Break my heart for what breaks Yours/ Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause..."). 

That all too familiar feeling of conviction began to cloud up my heart again.  I know God, I know.  Look, it's me.  Not You.  Okay.  I know I've got issues and I'm the one who's unfaithful.   I know.  But if I am the one who's been in love with You for all my life, why is it so hard for me to be into You?  Like it's been a long time since I've actually had a good conversation and a life changing moment with You. I thought about what I had just read in C. J. Mahaney's book, The Christ-Centered Life.  That getting it right with God isn't so much about how we feel as it is about standing on the truth we know.  The thing was, I know so much about God already.  Sometimes I feel like it's too much.  And here's the part where I know I've got it all wrong. 

Why am I in this place right now?  Feeling like the room...empty? I mean.  I just figured out why I was a mess and then I cleaned it up and cleared it out.  Once I did that, I'm now here.  It's empty.  Just a bed, a chair, a dresser, closets and four walls.  Nothing more.  It feels very "unlived" in.  And why do I feel this same way?  I mean.  Now that school is over and I have nothing occupying my mind really now, all I have is myself and the quiet and... It's very quiet inside me and outside me. 

If I were an avid movie buff, I would say that this is the time when something dramatic happens.  Like maybe God will send some glowing message from above down from heaven just for me to give me guidance and direction.  Or maybe someone will show up to motivate me with the song, "Just Around the River Bend".  Or maybe I shouldn't expect anything at all.  Maybe I should just be this way.  Maybe "empty" is good.  Who knows?

In a few days, Chapter Camp will start.  Maybe God will help me digest the broccoli and brussell sprouts of His Word.  I mean, I know He will, but maybe I need to stay "empty" like this to actually listen to His Word instead of just hearing it like I always do.  Maybe.

OCBP Support Letter

Hello Family, Friends, and Loved Ones!

Well, I have almost made it through my third year in college. After a semester abroad in the Middle East, I slowly reacclimated back to the daily norms of college life, keeping my head in the books and making sure the freshmen girls on my hall behaved themselves. During this “retransition”, I have also spent much time reflecting on myself, my personality, my likes and dislikes, and my passions, and my potential career after college. Choosing a career as an International Studies major means that I can pretty much enter any career field with a particular focus on bettering the world around me.   As I work full time as a student and a Resident Assistant, seeking my goal to better this world, I am also  heavily involved in Arcadia Christian Fellowship, an interdenominational gathering students seeking to learn about Christ and grow in their faith. I co-lead a small group and help lead worship.

The fellowship is served by a partnership of InterVarsity and Coalition for Christian Outreach staff workers. The CCO staff worker, Greg Sovereign, recommended to me a summer ministry opportunity called Ocean City Beach Project. OCBP is an eight-week ministry in which 30-40 Christian college students live, learn, play, and worship in community. The Project provides the opportunity for me to grow personally in my faith and develop my leadership skills. At OCBP, I will work on the Ocean City boardwalk during the daytime and be challenged to become a kingdom leader through speakers in the evenings. 

So now that you’ve read a short synopsis about what I’m excited about doing this summer,  what can you do?  Well, first and foremost, you can help me get suited up to go by much prayer.  I know that many of you were praying for me when I went to Jordan and I truly appreciated your intercession. John 14:14 says, “Yes, ask anything in my name and I will do it!” So I am living proof to say that what you asked for, Jesus did! On top of prayer, I will also need to raise $2,000 to cover all my housing and food costs for the summer. I hope to frequently post on my blog  http://stardustontheroad.blogspot.com/throughout the summer so you can stay updated with what I’m learning and how I’m growing.

If you’d like to financially support me, here’s how to do so. You can mail a check payable to CCO (write “Brittany Witcher: OCBP in the memo line) and send it to CCO, 5912 Penn Ave., Pittsburgh, PA 15206. You can also send a gift online at ccojubilee.org/donate. (Just click on the title above and you'll get straight to the page.  Click on "Give Online Today from there") When you get to the credit card screen, write my name in the “Comments” section so they know where to allot the support.

            I want to thank you all for all of your continued love and support.  I really can’t wait to see what God has in store for me down the road.  I do have to say, though, that much of what has happened thus far could not have happened without your support.  I am appreciative beyond words! Can’t wait to hear back from you! Feel free to call or email me with any questions.

Ever so sincerely,

Brittany

484-707-4284

bwithcher@arcadia.edu

Something Really Cool

So I learned something really cool today.  Call it an epiphany or a revelation or what I call a "Moabite Moment" (long story for a later time).  K.  So, I had to write an UBER LONG PAPER (or maybe not so long, but very time consuming) paper for my New Testament class at school.  I decided to study the topic of the Kingdom of Heaven and what it originally meant.  To sum it up real quick, I learned that the Jews and the disciples knew what Jesus meant when he said "Repent, the Kingdom of Heaven/God is here!" He was saying that God, King of all creation, has finally come to live among men and rule and reign and take back the deed to the earth the Devil had stolen from humanity.  He was also saying that the Hope of Israel was fulfilled, "Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one!" (Deuteronomy 6:4).  I learned that the Kingdom of Heaven was not a place that you go to, but instead is a reference to the reign of God among men and a "renewed" earth for all of eternity.  That's right, a "renewed" earth.  The Bible doesn't really say anything about angels carrying us up to heaven to sit on clouds with Him all day to get harp lessons, wear white dresses, and wear shiny metal frisbees on our heads (or maybe my childhood perception of heaven was all wrong). No, the disciples saw eternity as something way different and way more exciting.  Eternity with God in this "Kingdom" where the Messiah and God are one and his people will reign along with Him as kings and priests of the Most High God (Yup!  We'll be little Melchizedeks!).  Jesus, the Jews (or Pharisees really), and the disciples talked of a place where we no longer have to be victims of our world, but instead we will be victors over our world.  Peter in 2 Peter 3:3-14 talks of the world having been destroyed by fire.  But, when a person digs deep and reads the original Greek, he'll find that the world isn't really destroyed. It's just purified.  Like it was refined.

So the Kingdom of Heaven is a place that's here, now, in the present and very real.  I really wanted to get deep on my paper and say that to the early Christians, making the Kingdom of Heaven possible meant war with the devil.  Ironically, to the true believers, comfort with the world systems and all was not satisfying to them.  To the contrary, the pain and suffering they endured filled them with joy, because they fully believed that God would "renew" (ie:resurrect) their sinful bodies into really awesome non-breakable/indestructible bodies that would kick the devils butt in the very near future.  After they kick the devil's butt off the face of this earth, they fully believed that they would be the ones to advance the Kingdom full force and finish the work that was begun 2,000 years ago in a small area of the world called Judea.

This sudden bravery and courage was obviously something that the Christians couldn't have come up with on their own.  If they did, the effect would only last for a hot second and then (since we're all human) it would have died out.  The difference is that the early Christians had something no other person in the history of mankind had before.  That is: the Holy Spirit.  Remember the very message of the Kingdom of Heaven?  God's spirit dwelling among men!   The Everlasting Spirit filled up the souls of a small body of believers and spread through the entire world like wildfire!  This same Spirit which filled up these people can never die.  The early Christians knew that their own spirits were dead.  They were dead ever since they've been born (born into slavery to sin and the devil).  So to be filled with a Spirit that is alive and can never be killed for all eternity is REALLY AWESOME!!! Knowing that they were filled with something immortal and knowing that they would one day rise to be immortal with the Lord meant some really awesome stuff to the Christians.  Stuff that they would be willing to die for.  That's why history talks of early Christians who whistled a happy tune as they marched to their martyrdom.  They had somehow found a point where they had aligned their spirit, mind, and bodies up with God's Spirit, and then completely allowed Him to work radical things in them so that they could fulfill God's ultimate goal: make the world at one with Him again.

K.  So I said all that to say this:  WHEN YOU HAVE THIS UNDERSTANDING, THE LORD'S PRAYER TAKES ON A WHOLE DIFFERENT MEANING.  You know the Lord's prayer:

Our Father,

Which art in heaven,

Hallowed be Thy Name.

Thy Kingdom come.

Your will be done

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread,

And forgive us our trespasses

As we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation

And deliver us from the evil one

For thine is the Kingdom 

And the Power,

And the glory,

Forever. 

Amen.

K. So read that once.  Read it twice.  Read it three times over.  See anything cryptic going on?  Or at least some type of pattern here?  Jesus' mission was what?  To preach the Kingdom of Heaven to all the world (Luke 4:43), right?  Ok.  So if Jesus was thinking really only about his mission here on the earth, for like, Lord knows, maybe all day long, don't you think he'd pray about it?  Read the first half of the prayer up to "heaven".  Isn't this Jesus' mission on the earth?  "Bring what we've got in heaven here on this earth/make us one with You".  (Same centuries old prayer of the Jews, here!) Second part! (And most exciting part!) Instructions for...God?  "Give us food everyday (ie: provide for all our needs). Help me get my vertical relationships right (ie: God and Jesus), so I can get my horizontal relationships (ie: all the people in my life) right.  And lastly, give us discernment and set us free from the devil. When all that's in order," Jesus seems to say, "then Your Kingdom, O Lord, has taken over my life.  And now I am a full citizen of Your Kingdom...completely submitted to Your power and glory. And we'll be one.  Forever. Amen."

Doesn't that add, like, a completely new twist to things??? Like seriously!  Prayer is no longer about my selfish desires any more!  Yes, God will provide everything, but can't you see that once we take on a mentality that God's got it all under control and that He's willing to get everything in order for us, we really don't have to pray long and hard about it?  We can see that in the second half, Jesus highlights every important aspect of our lives: our personal life, our social, and our spiritual life.  God's the Boss.  We just gotta let Him be Boss. By sharing this master prayer, we can see that it's totally about redeeming the world on which my two feet stand upon for God so we can all be bffls (best friends for life, for those who didn't know what that meant) again with Him!  That's all God's wanted from the beginning of time, and now He's showed me that He's here on earth, walking and living among thousands upon thousands of people, and HE'S REVERSING THE CURSE! Like really reversing the curse!  His question to all humanity is, "Do you wanna join me?  Do you wanna kick some Devil-butt? Do you wanna become bffls and know that though your body may take a bullet, Ezekiel 37 (the dry-bones prophesy) applies to ALL THOSE WHO BELIEVE??? If you do, then believe the prayer and submit (fancy word for shut up, listen, learn and apply it to your life) to my master plan.  When you do, the Kingdom of Heaven will spread even further around the earth, and we'll all be one step closer to being together forever here on earth."

So that was my cool "Moabite Moment" of the day.  DO YOU SEE HOW WONDERFULLY AWESOME THIS REVELATION IS???  I hope you do. This stuff that God's sharing with me is like, I don't know, atomic stuff.  You know? If you get too close, you might catch God-radiation, which'll stay with you for the rest of your life.  Just sayin'.

Mile Marker 1

So I'm here in life.  I am at a place of contentment, confusion, a lot of contemplation, long-suffering impatience and the like.  This entire semester has really been one heck of a roller coaster for me.  Honestly...how much can a girl take???  While I'm still reeling from an entire semester abroad in the Middle East and amazed that I came back home safely before that dear place blew up like an unexpected time bomb , I was sent for a psychological semester of refinding myself in this nation, this school, and this body of mine. Who am I?  Who am I now? Who will I be?  Those three questions sent me tossing and turning all Spring semester.  It's true.  I came back from Jordan in "moratorium".  I had fulfilled my dream: all I wanted was to see the place with my own eyes and one day write about it.  But I didn't even know if I wanted to write about it.  I didn't know what I wanted to do... Without a dream, I'm like a car driving without a destination.  I was lost and suddenly felt very small, alone, and very apathetic in a very big world.  My being an International Studies major, a musician, a writer, and many other things on top of these really did not help my situation either.  I was stuck and I felt like nothing could be worse.

Unfortunately, the fact was it could get worse.  And it did.  My body, literally, stopped functioning well.  My brain lost all track of time.  I was forgetting everything: eating, sleeping, due dates, meetings, etc.  And the worst part of it was that I didn't really care.  I was hitting depression and finding myself frustrated about everything in my life.  I'm currently a Resident Assistant.  My job was on the line because even though I was a good RA, I wasn't being a good "me".  I finally reached my breaking point after I had visited the counselor about my problems.  I was sitting on my chair in my room and listened quietly to worship music.  I was taken at how accurate Pandora is for every situation I am going through.  I eventually stared at the ceiling as I always do and said out loud, "God, what's wrong with me?  Why can't I seem to get this right?"  I rested my head back and closed my eyes.  As I listened to the softly playing worship music, my heart began to hear the familiar voice of my dearest Friend from my youth.  "You know what your problem is?"
"What's my problem, God?"  I love to hear His voice.  He often sounds so playful and nonchalant when He talks to me.
"Your problem is your thoughts!  That's your problem!  I mean, really?  Do you ever hear Me complaining about 'Oh...I'm going through this...' and  'Oh...I'm going through that...' and 'Oh...its just so hard to be happy today! If only I had this...'?"
I smiled and could guess what He was leading on to. "Um, no, God.  I don't really ever hear You complaining at all."
"Hmm.  Interesting.  Do you know why?"
"No.  Why?"
"Cuz I'm too busy thinking about you and how to make you happy, silly!"

I paused when He said that.  What?  He doesn't complain because He's too busy thinking about me?  "I mean," He continued, "If I thought only about Myself and My problems (oh and I could go on and on about all of MY PROBLEMS), and you only thought about yourself and all of your problems...don't you think this relationship would be kind of lonely?" I never really thought of it that way, but He did have a point.

"I mean, really, Brittany.  Let's think about it.  Did you ever wonder why I made marriage the way I made it?  Like with the whole controversial submit and love each other commandments and all?  I did that so that people wouldn't be lonely anymore!  Like really!  In a truly wonderful relationship, the husband's body is not his own and the wife's body is not her own.  They belong to each other.  So the wife belongs to the husband and the husband belongs to the wife, and the two will become ONE!  That's all I want with you.  So I'm doing my part and giving you all of Myself.  My only concern is your well-being.  You keep complaining that you're not happy.  That's because you don't really know what'll make you happy.  I know what will make you happy, and I want to do everything in my power to make you happy...but YOU'VE GOTTA TRUST ME!!!" I let His words wash over me like the waves of the sea.  They were so tender and loving.  So warm, so pure.  And yet so sandy.  I could feel Him working on my heart, making it smoother and softer, and more receptive to what He was saying.

"The only thing is," His voice went quiet, "I'm kind of lonely too.  Very lonely actually.  This relationship would run a lot smoother if you thought about Me more often.  You know?  Like, I know it's a little difficult for you to just stop your business, drop everything and think only of Me for the rest of time, but just a little time is all I'm asking.  And who knows?  Down the road, you'll get so good at thinking about Me that it will all be effortless.  You'll be thinking about Me all day long and you didn't know it.  I love you so much, Brittany.  No, actually I'm in love with you. I'm so in love with you, it's impossible for Me to fall out of love with you.  I've got only your best interests at heart, but in order to make all your dreams come true, I'm gonna need you to work with Me.  I need you to make Me your dream and follow me wherever I lead you.  We two are a dance team.  I'm the leader, and you're my partner.  I'll guide you and you'll swing with the commands I make with my hands.  Together we'll wow to the world. But what I need you to do is submit.  Trust me..."

The voice on the other end of the line got quiet, and I just sat there...speechless.  From that point on, God has seriously been moving and working in my life.  He has been revealing to me little snippets of what will make me happy and what won't.  He's shown me and is still showing me how to fall in love with myself again and to follow my passions once more. Because of this whole situation, I have had to make some very big decisions, like resigning from my job as an RA and allowing more time for myself.  I've been taking more time to think about Him too, and I feel 10 times happier because of it.

I'm now somewhat excited for my future.  I'm preparing for an intense summer with God.  I've accepted the offer from CCO to join them and our school's staff worker, Greg Sovereign, in a huge project called Ocean City Beach Project.  Here I'll be immersed in the Word, while working among full-time in a worldly atmosphere.  I'll learn essential leadership skills needed for campus ministry when I get back, and most of all, a firmer foundation on the relationship God and I had built years ago.

I'll be posting my thoughts and little pieces of "stardust" throughout the summer here.  So please enjoy. 

I think I've made one small move in the right direction.  I feel like this is a good place to put a marker in my life and cherish it for all time.