Empty

So I am a few minutes away from embarking on my summer.  I am laying on my bare bed with nothing but my computer, myself, my purse and my phone on top of it.  Nothing else is in the room except my piano, which I refuse to pack for fear that my dad lied and I need something else besides my computer to pass the time.  Everything else in this room which faithfully housed me for 4 months is in the hall.  As I type, I can hear my keys clacking louder than before.  The whole building is very quiet.  I might as well just be the only one in here.  And as I write, I can't help but feel like the room...empty. 

There is a certain type of therapy that comes with cleaning.  Cleaning a room forces a person to slowdown and focus on making a room neat again.  It can be a pretty mundane function, so whenever I clean, I often listen to music to occupy my mind.  As of today, I noticed how my Pandora stations shifted from the depressing Rachel Yamagata, to sensual Sean Paul, to a general Dance Pop station that randomly shot out songs ranging from the 80s to now, and lastly Shawn McDonald and all the worship songs that followed his station.  I realized that when I started, I enjoyed the music like I enjoy french fries: filling but not very edifying, convenient but not very delicious.  When I switched to dance music, I tried to dance with it, but my heart just wasn't in it.  Finally, I got to the worship music and it was like eating that half a plate of veggies that you think isn't that tasty and is hard to swallow, but is the best thing going for you.  After listening to two hours of it, my mind started to give way to my heart and I began to listen to the songs I myself have sung for years but never really heard.  Songs like "Unashamed Love" which says, "You're calling me to lay aside the worries of my day/ To quiet down my busy mind and find a hiding place...", and "Hosanna" ("Break my heart for what breaks Yours/ Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause..."). 

That all too familiar feeling of conviction began to cloud up my heart again.  I know God, I know.  Look, it's me.  Not You.  Okay.  I know I've got issues and I'm the one who's unfaithful.   I know.  But if I am the one who's been in love with You for all my life, why is it so hard for me to be into You?  Like it's been a long time since I've actually had a good conversation and a life changing moment with You. I thought about what I had just read in C. J. Mahaney's book, The Christ-Centered Life.  That getting it right with God isn't so much about how we feel as it is about standing on the truth we know.  The thing was, I know so much about God already.  Sometimes I feel like it's too much.  And here's the part where I know I've got it all wrong. 

Why am I in this place right now?  Feeling like the room...empty? I mean.  I just figured out why I was a mess and then I cleaned it up and cleared it out.  Once I did that, I'm now here.  It's empty.  Just a bed, a chair, a dresser, closets and four walls.  Nothing more.  It feels very "unlived" in.  And why do I feel this same way?  I mean.  Now that school is over and I have nothing occupying my mind really now, all I have is myself and the quiet and... It's very quiet inside me and outside me. 

If I were an avid movie buff, I would say that this is the time when something dramatic happens.  Like maybe God will send some glowing message from above down from heaven just for me to give me guidance and direction.  Or maybe someone will show up to motivate me with the song, "Just Around the River Bend".  Or maybe I shouldn't expect anything at all.  Maybe I should just be this way.  Maybe "empty" is good.  Who knows?

In a few days, Chapter Camp will start.  Maybe God will help me digest the broccoli and brussell sprouts of His Word.  I mean, I know He will, but maybe I need to stay "empty" like this to actually listen to His Word instead of just hearing it like I always do.  Maybe.